The memory of smoke

The memory of smoke

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Just not, well.

Can't seem to move today. Having the place all to myself, I'm using it by not stirring. I realize this makes no damn sense.

Cat doesn't count.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Tiny little spasms

My left eyebrow and forehead is twitching, and has been for nearly 24 hours and I'm fucking tired of it. Tried everything I can think of and nothing helps. Napped for a while and it stopped, but now it's back.

Twitch, twitch, twitch.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Or, you could just do your job, and not mind.

For all that I put my irritations here, I can honestly say I have rejected Anger and all it's works, and all it's empty promises. Snapped at by a circ who was overwhelmed, I stayed calm and wondered at all the energy she wasted getting angry, that a calm demeanor would have saved. I shrugged and kept to my own job.

Oh, well. Our own sins committed by others are most egregious. I will simply go and sin no more.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Cancelled plans

Feeling crappy and fatigued and dizzy. Warnings expired without drama. Big disappointments.


Friday, May 20, 2011

Is that buzzing or are you just...? nevermind.

Something going on, sinuses and ears humming like mad, lots of pressure. Nauseated, dizzy, all that happy horseshit. Mold allergies, likely.

Blech and tinnitus.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Trolls? Here? Not gonna happen.

So, a random guy leaves a comment on this site, and I let it through. Then he responds again (calling me "kid" with nice condescension) and chides me for a joke about marines being none too bright, he being a former of the ilk. Proving my point. Which is why this site is closed this month, but I still write here for my own ... benefit is not the correct word.

If I've known you as a reader elsewhere for a long time, you could have gotten away with that. A jerkoff stranger whose blog I checked out and don't care to read, cannot.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

You are not invited.

Is it not clear? This is where I store my crap. Don't like it? Too fucking bad.


Not helping himself at all

Had to work with "the marine*" today. He switched his assignment, told everyone a different story about how that happened, none of it his doing oh no. I found out no one likes working with him, and I have made no official complaint.

Maybe there will be changes. On the other hand, he's just the type to come back after being fired, armed and angry.

*What do you call a marine with an IQ of 100? A platoon.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

whatever dude

Resigned to being friendless the rest of my life. Never very good at friendship at the best of times. Indulging my anxieties and hiding out.

Fuck it all.

Sure sign of a deranged mind.

I think I have been the bad guy often enough. When a highly rated volunteer organization corners me into having to say No repeatedly, instead of letting me go politely, it's getting a bit much. Or maybe I really am unlikable.

Do not trust anyone who uses exclamation marks in official communication, or un-ironically.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Scape goats and bad guys

I learned, from a really good guy who broke up with me the night I got activated to Gulf War I, that it is sometimes honorable to be the "bad guy." I had already taken on the role with the ex, then learned that I'd done the right thing. I still respect him (good guy) for telling the truth straight out, no matter how it made him look. A clean break, no muddled blame.

Former friend tried to dither and backpedal, and I took on the chin what she should have.

Happy fucking mother's day.

As for my mother. She chose her abusive husband (my abusive father) over her own children, when we were still children. I tried for a long, long time, as long as I'd been in her debt, and more.

We have not spoken for over a decade. I have not seen her for eleven years today. I'm sad about this, and deeply relieved.

Sucks when your bronchioles spasm

Woke at 0350, congested, mind spinning madly. Sat up for a while, finally took benedryl and went back to sleep. Still woke at 0830, with incipient asthma tightness. Frightening enough.

Drank lots of strong tea for the theophylline which helped a lot.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

And there is no excuse for neglect.

I have a problem with neglect. With letting too much slide for too long for those who you claim to love and care for. And former friend had a habit of neglect.

Attention is important.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

What is ok, what is not.

I had to report to a supervisor about a charge nurse's unprofessional conduct. Nothing salacious, but definitely not OK. Manager initially asked me about a scrub (with a mean streak), and I had to say, no, not the problem. I don't like to work with him, but he is who he is, and I have nothing specific and measurable to report about his behaviour, so I have no official issue with him. I will not gossip, I will not tattle. I will report conduct that breaches acceptable behaviour of a supervisor.

Some people should not ever be in charge, and I know because I am one of them. But then, I don't allow myself to be put in that position.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

8 1/2

My father has 8 1/2 fingers. The first was lost long ago, and the story was never told. This is suspect, because this man told stories about everything, usually elaborate lies. The fact that there was no explanation at all tells me he was doing something extraordinarily stupid.

The 1/2 finger was due to carelessness with a lawnmower at his cemetery groundskeeper job.