The memory of smoke

The memory of smoke

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Nothing more to say

Christmas card signed "your friend" from not-a-friend. She wanted to be a mentor, and when I was 20, that didn't seem so bad, but even then I knew she wasn't a friend. Reacquainted decades later, she still bored, condescended to, me, but I made nice, until she pushed it.

Didn't respond actively, since that would have been unkind, merely ignored plethora of advice from oddball.

The times they are a changin'

122 days, which is no guarantee, but I'm so ready. Reading about cuck, as in cuckhold which is apparently still a thing. Like they're fucking Sicilian Renaissance dicks owning their women, which makes no damn sense.

The unmasking, will it spur a change?

Saturday, December 3, 2016

just one

Just one spot. And nothing else. So, 99?

Slept again, though.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Spot the anomaly

Started up again, a good 98 days. Slowing dramatically. Barely starting.

Slept 11 hours last night.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

No desire to be a hero

I am resolved, if needed, that I will lay down my life for the vulnerable. Much rather live in a civilized society of kindness and compassion, but I never want to be a coward in the face of evil. I hate Islam as all religions, but will defend to the death the right to believe as conscience leads.

Damn, this is not how it should be.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Flashing lights and night terrors

One week on HRT. Night sweats and hot flashes, cold flashes and shivers. Enough is ebloodynough.

And 88 days and waiting.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Something, but what?

90. Hard not to hope. Hope being a mocker.

Still, three months is something, right?

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Won't get fooled again

80 days in, and it feels like a bloodless period. Mucous, but clear. Moody, poopy, loopy.

Cleaned the kitchen.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

I feel myself waiting...

It's been 63 days, with 3 weeks of hot flashes. And still, nothing. So, I wait.


Sunday, May 22, 2016

Unpredictably unpredictable

Nine week gap, after an eight week gap. Nearly a relief. Definite slowing downness.

Becoming irregularly irregular.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

That was a stretch

Starting without fanfare this morning. Save that the rosacea has been more pronounced this week. Just a thing.

Eight weeks, with six of those pestered with hots.

Monday, February 1, 2016

Cancelled day, OR broken.

Something nasty in the air controller. My lungs and sinuses are not happy. Ears ringing more than usual.

Best away from there.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Jan 24th

Which is a calendar month after. Hitting my brain hard. All the emotional symptoms too.


Saturday, January 2, 2016

Fool me once

FIL pushes us to send xmas card to blind 100+ grandmother son barely knows, I do not. I find her a lovely little music box, wrap and send it. Hear through son/DH it got there and liked. I do not get thanks directly. I know this is petty, but dear fuck, why not?

Not going to be guilted into more, ever again. I don't mind not being thanked, but I assume that more will not be appreciated, so why try again? Not a chance. I hate being pressured into obligation I do not agree I have in the first place. Act out of general kindness, am ignored.

Screw it if they try to put me on the spot again. No. No thanks. I'd rather not.