The memory of smoke

The memory of smoke

Friday, January 24, 2020

Dealing with the public

I've yet to find a way to get people to talk more quietly to the voices in their head.


Wednesday, January 22, 2020

And the work goes on and on and on

That last post from Captain Awkward, of course.

Still in foot pain, still exhausted, still marginally self-destructive.

I want to be well and full and energetic. I can work toward that.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda....

If “should” is somebody’s only argument for spending time together as a family, like “Look this Family Tree is basically a binding contractual Org Chart that means that you have to do what I want and I get to treat you however I want and you still have to love me and show up for me, forever” and they have nothing else to offer, or they insist that anything nice or fun also has to come with a bunch of vitriol and blame and unkindness? Maybe that’s a shitty bargain and you get to opt the hell out and join our union, the union of adults who can’t undo the damage of childhood but who can refuse to accept ongoing harm as a condition of having a family. “The Fuck-Its Local 101.”

Fuck should.


Thursday, January 9, 2020

When sleep isn't enough

Woke up wondering if I'm ever going to be well again. Relived Moby's last minutes, and wept a bit. But then I've been breaking out in sobs a lot recently, not always with a specific reason. Grief/exhaustion/virus crying. Best not to be at work for this.

Chatted with neighbor this morning, too. He's worried about the world, as am I, so we consoled each other. I petted Spike - his silver schnauzer-mix-rescue, which is always a happy for both of us.

Feeling the fatalism, twenty or so more years, which is too much, not enough, how can I go on that much longer, let it not be that long, oh no not that little left...

It's the fatigue talking, I know.

Wednesday, January 8, 2020

Dropping the baggage

Broken toe, broken wrist, death of Moby, death of mother, death of co-worker, fired scrub, two new bullies, long hours, bad virus.

Falling back, tactical retreat. Eventually everything fails apart.

Yes, I wrote that as I intended.

Saturday, December 21, 2019

Fuxing bullies

Getting through this cold hard month of darkness and irritation. Scrub cow-orker thinks she's better than anyone at anything, loud and making stupid power-plays. She's not a good scrub, still new, does not see her own failings, makes up words, super confident based on nothing much. Worked with her yesterday, with one of my more high maintenance surgeons on a very long day. At least the resident and PA were helpful and appreciative.

What I don't understand is people who think everyone should like them, and are offended when it isn't true. I've always assumed most people were neutral or didn't much like me, and I'm always so touched and amazed when anyone does like me. Despite the underlying damage that causes my view of the world, it does mean I'm far less susceptible to being shocked with comeuppance when my assumption is proved wrong.

I'm done with bullies. Damn them all.

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

Dealing with the roiled up crap.


I'd never considered that my mother was gaslighting me. And yet.

"Of course he loves you, he's your father!" "Oh, you can't think that!" "How could you think that, that never happened!"

Reframing is a powerful tool. Not that I think it was, mostly, on purpose. She was deeply in denial. But, she had to know, however deep down. She had to know, and not want me to cotton on. She denied my truth, any truth, when it suited her comfort.

not because they value or even like their children (though they’ll use the word “love” like it’s going out of style) but because they want the outside appearance and validation of “We’re Good Parents™, right? And that’s what Good Children™ Do For Good Parents!”

Another one from Captainawkwardcom.

My father used to say he treated me like he did, because the world would be so much harsher on me.

have been hungry, I have been cold, I have been sick, and I have been scared but I have never, ever been as unhappy as when I lived under my folks’ roof as a kid and had to just sit there and take whatever it was. Never.