The memory of smoke

The memory of smoke

Sunday, September 15, 2019

Leave the rubber on, idiot

I had character shoes with rubber grips on. For one class, I had to have taps. When I got them put on, I was told to take the rubber off from the place I bought the taps. Next door, the shoe place, I did not tell them to take the rubber off because I DID NOT WANT IT OFF, since I would be removing the taps after one semester. Picked them up, and they'd taken off the grips because the tap place called to tell them to. My mother was with me, the wimp. I was furious, but did not argue, because Mother there.

To this day, I want to say "FUCK YOU, I am the one paying you, put the grips back on and make it right youfuckers."

I HATE tap dancing.



Saturday, September 14, 2019

He was borderline, she 'forgave' me, so...

If you write to me for help because someone is bullying you, I, Jennifer Captain Awkward Rodham Leigh Peepas, do not give a single fuck if your abuser gets into Heaven someday or how they feel about their lives or what possibly caused them to behave this way or if they are a good person at some imperceptible deep down “Schrödinger’s Good Intentions” level. If you want to forgive them someday, great, do it for you. Save all that for after the harm is over and you are safe.

via Captain Awkward.

I am safe. She never considered needing my forgiveness, so I can't force it on her, anymore than I could accept her forgiveness. Him? too damaged, I just don't wish him in any further hell than the life he made for himself. And for her. Let it all end here.

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

No it was not better then, ever.

One of those Monty Python reunions, they talk about how they used to be able to make ethnic jokes, but now they can't people are so touchy no sense of humor. Can't abide them now, because civility and the people being joked about didn't have the voice or volume to say, Nope, not funny, stop it. They are educated elite white guys complaining that they can't insult POC and women anymore.

Crocodile tears in buckets, the wankers.

Friday, August 30, 2019


My eldest brother is more smarter than kid sis.

Let not your heart be troubled I would love some pictures I can not write a lot right now but will be back later I do not live on my computer so my mail tends to backup bye for now David


Thursday, August 29, 2019

Not what I expected, although they say...

My mother is dead, and the sense of relief is swamped by an overwhelming physical reaction. I can't seem to stop sobbing, even when there is no thought in my head. I'm not perseverating.

My whole body is in a kind of shock.

Sunday, August 4, 2019

No, I'm not kidding.

Obsessing last night about my last day before retirement, and not being there for it. I don't trust that enough people will do what we did for Greg, and insist that No, it is not Wanted by the Guest of Honor. I plan to be a no-call, no-show on my last day, only letting my manager (if that person can be trusted) know ahead of time.

Fuck that shit.

Sunday, July 14, 2019

We process pain and grief.

Healing will happen. It takes time and effort. The scars will remain.

Loss is eternal.