The memory of smoke

The memory of smoke

Sunday, March 27, 2011

The years pile on

Carving my way through the dusty muck, neglected corners. The kind of pain that doesn't hurt, but punches deeply, slowing me, dragging on me.

How the fuck did I do all these moves, before?

Friday, March 25, 2011

Why is this so fucking hard?

Bad day of irritation. Last night lost my temper at counter staff at fast food place. She would not listen, I knew I would not get my order done right. But first tried to get her to listen. She wouldn't, or couldn't, and after snapping, we walked out. Angry for several minutes until I could calm down, and apologize for losing my cool. Very bad.

Really wanted that chicken dinner, all dark, with greek dressing on the salad.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Playing the odds with women friends

In my half asleep halfdream she visits me, and asks me what she can do. And I tell her, "take the lead." And she isn't happy with this, that it's all on her. But I explain, no, it's because when I lead, I overwhelm, I take over, and I can't do that again, because it does not work. I push, I'm too intense, I ignore slights and neglects because I love entirely. I expect neglect from friendships - especially from women. I have to admit, I don't believe she will keep up the attempt to rebuild the friendship, she is not the odds-on favorite.

I'll stick with my love, and my cat, and let all other friendships go.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Brain Cloud

Got a lot of errands done, but I'm sick and tired of wasting my weekends on tasks or numbed immobility. Is it so much to want to go to a museum, attend a lecture, take a hike.

Yes, apparently, it is.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Bone lazy

Awake at 6, every intention of making it to the dealership to get the recall repair done. Dark, windy, decided to wait until light, then until after breakfast, until my gut settled, then just stopped waiting and stopped.

Feeling idle and useless.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

And the cat curled up in my crotch for hours last night.

Had to get a new watch, since I depend on mine - not having a phone or other device. Tooth sharp, couldn't find the bone wax for a long time this morning. Expenses adding up. Have to get car in for recall, then to another place for a tune up.

Want to get properly drunk, can't even do that without repercussions that cancel the ease of the buzz

Friday, March 11, 2011

Coining new slurs and epithets

In re my 88 year old father, going to describe him as an Asstard. Promoting this as a new derogatory term for the stupid and asinine. It really is true, the good die young. The asstards stick around for fucking ever. He's got asthma, smokes cigars for decades, and he's bloody well still alive, the turd.

Just sayin'.

Oh, the addictions

Venting anger isn't venting, it's building up bile and destroying trust and relationships. Anger that another didn't read one's mind is just expressing utter stupidity. Anger is a drug, the more you use, the more you need to feel "normal." The more harm you cause.

Irritation is one thing, to be let go, laughed at, not invited in and turned into rage.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Just stop screwing around would you?

Finally getting over the pain of the massage, the benefits are there, but maybe I need to do a shiatsu instead next time. Twelve hours scrubbed in, on my feet, exacerbated by an anesthesiology attending who can't ask a simple question of a (reasonable) surgeon, not a help.

Gods, what I wouldn't give for a healthy back.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Getting rubbed, getting drunk.

I know when I get a massage that it will hurt more the next few days. Doesn't make it hurt any less. Just hope it does some longer term good. Not convinced. Getting buzzed. Can't fucking get drunk.

Body won't allow it.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Plenty of O2 down there

Got to stay home today. I think we've been so tired, because after a few days with enough oxygen, we are feeling depleted without it. Just not high altitude people.

Want sea level.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Happy Fucking Birthday

Birthday not important, but I prefer it to be not a bad day. Failed. Somewhat redeemed by inlaws stopping by with touchingly appropriate and welcome gift card.

Not that any of it fucking matters.