Spitting out the bitter old words.

The word Grudge has come up twice in the past week, like gorge rising from my childhood. I think it's one of those words only used on other people. I'm eccentric, you are crazy, I perspire, you sweat, I'm a good judge of character, you hold grudges.

Ptooey.

A dark side, a light side, holds universe together

Through an odd happenstance, two kind acts, and I will have a significant gift card to Home Despot. Incredibly useful right now. How much duck tape can one get for fifty bucks?

Should see my list.

Wouldn't want it any other way

Yup, silence ever since. I really, honestly, wholeheartedly, am happier being honestly disliked than dishonestly liked. I want the truth, no matter what the truth.

Feeling free, again.

No, I never worry about things like that...

Whenever we take a trip, especially involving driving, I imagine us crashing and dying. I'm not the best traveler, although I love being in new places, getting there is a trial. I'm feeling like this about the house.

It will be ok, we'll be fine, we'll even enjoy it, but I have a "worst scenario" button in my head, and it's stuck ON.

Moving day timing

In 27 days I'll be in the midst of moving, which could prove very uncomfortable - again. Migraine visual disturbances this morning, but not much worse symptoms appeared. Long hours, house stress, hormones, bad nourishment, and I hit my head on the OR microscope - a non-trivial mass and hardness, all came together.

Good thing I know about drugs.

Wake the fuck up, dear.

Not angry, not personal at all. Just that she doesn't bloody well do her job, even when she knows she's on probation. Maybe she needs to lose a job to wake her up.

I hope she does, I really do.

3 AM Courage.

Courage is as much a habit as anger, hatred, or neglect. But cheerfulness and patience, bravery and constancy enrich life, while the negative patterns deform it. So, I practice, make it normal, usual.

Hard to form a phobia, for one.

Reduce, reuse, recycle.

A moment of enlightenment. That death is an utter blowing out, full on gift to the universal mulch. Given fully and freely, everything is given, available, all knowledge, all intuition, all lessons learned. Only when we hold back, wanting eternal extra life, or reward, or punishment, is it all wasted and poisoned.

Burst the seed pod, not knowing how many mutations, how many chickens rather than proto-chickens, let it all be available, recycle the lot, generously, pour it all out.

Turning the air a robin's egg blue.

Not a sober post. Attempting to use alcohol to counter the sleeplessness of the corticosteriods in my hand. After zero sleep last night. Pissed off, full of shit and fucking useless.


Just want a nap, dammit.

Radio silence, as expected, really.

I'd like to be wrong. My pessimism about the care and interest from others is not healthy, but it's so often exactly right. Hard to dismiss it, however much I'd be happier without it.

Cynicism should not be rewarded so often.

Genetics don't do as much as some would like.

On the other hand, I am not nice. I have a mean streak in me that stretches over decades. I try not to indulge it, but the genetic kin do bring it out in me.

Working out domestic hostility.

Where the fuck did I come from?

Not sure how I managed sanity or intelligence - given. My eldest brother is an idiot. My mother is absent all curiosity.

Not that I'm claiming anything extraordinary, but I'm not dumb and I am stable, mostly thanks to Dylan, of course.

The low level stuff I can deal with.

My butt hurts, my back hurts. Not all the time. Not that badly.

But, well, enough already.