Bloody mess

And that period made an imperfect vacation a sort of nightmare. Ill and in pain and swollen the whole trip out, bleeding through repeatedly with no place to clean up. I stank, I crabbed, I hated everything. Food tasted awful.

In no mood to be traveling, and there I was, traveling.

Have I mentioned the cramps

Of course my period started this evening. OF course it did. I've been headachy and subdued the last few days, knew it was ramping up.

Oh. joy.

Just Relax

Relaxing into time off, just me and him and cat. He's more excited by the trip, which will be good. I'm just happy for the break from work, and time with him.

Realizing the ex-friend really was neglecting the friendship, profoundly. Not just a temporary, situational thing. Losing respect for her, seeing her neglect other, more important, aspects of her life, despite intermittent enthusiasms. Finding lack of discipline, follow through, to be heartbreaking character flaws that I just can't deal with.

Coming to terms.

Damn the paperwork, full speed ahead.

Two days in the sole, late room. Monday, it was to let a nurse get away early enough for a V-day date her husband had planned for her. Yesterday, it was just a complicated case that ran very long. Today, no actual work, just meetings to deal with paperwork, and I got the schedule updated, and I ran away asap.

One more damn day.

Only the good die young

Yearning for my vacation. A whole ten days off in a row, due in part to a schedule change leaving me off Friday as well. Keep imagining that my brother will inform me of a parental demise. Unlikely. They are both going to linger another decade, I expect.

I can hope.

And the years creep on

Back hurts like hell this morning. Which is saying something, because it always hurts, and for me to report pain there, means it's quite a lot worse. Will do what I can to ameliorate.

Gods I'm feeling old.

Reminders of normalcy

So, the ex used to "remind" me that I was fiddling with my toes. Well, duh, yeah. I'd managed to push my toes into a more normal position throughout my childhood, and that habitual manipulation worked. I wasn't doing myself any harm, I found it comforting to put my fingers between my toes, but he saw it as a bad habit, that he was "helping" me be aware of and stop. He also "reminded" me when I was standing with more weight on one foot or the other, as though it were bad posture, rather than normal weight shifting.

It's called Controposto.

He's old and alone now.

Small lists, not even doing that.

Not doing much today. Oh, laundry, dishes, a short stack of errands, not much more. Not enough to fill a day.

Trying to think about drivel.

Somebody Else's Problem

I've been thinking, or feeling this sense of relief. I didn't mind worrying for a friend, but now that I don't have to, I don't miss it. Not only it is not my job anymore, it's none of my damn business anymore. And I'm feeling fine about that. SEP.

Quite peaceful about this.

Milk does a stomach harm.

My mother made me drink milk for every meal. I had to finish the glass, no matter what. And everything I dished onto my own plate, but not everything she'd put there. I had a lot of stomach trouble as a kid. I hated milk. When I started living on my own, it took a while to stop that automatic habit, thinking it was nutritious or healthy or something. Gradually just stopped drinking the stuff, and my stomach began to settle down.

I never drink it now.

Memory belches

Doing better. Still getting burps of annoyance at odd moments. But that is probably just me, since I still get irked at unjust, misunderstood moments from very early childhood on. See below.

Forgetting would be wonderful, if only I could do it.

Enough of that shit.

Just watched half of Groundhog Day, in tears part of the way. I've seen this movie so many times, and it still gets right under my skin. It really should be an awful movie, so repetitious, rather sentimental, and yet. It addresses sentimentality head on, and digs underneath.

Letting go, appreciating where I am, and who I love.